Mondays are always dreaded and this past one was no exception.
I’ve been having a rough couple months. Everything seems to be falling apart at once, and I’m not sure what to do.
One of the good things I had happen recently was me buying a new car.
Say hello to my 2001 Mazda Miata MX-5 Special Edition.
A couple weeks ago I decided that I wanted to get another car. Yes. Another car. The reason this whole seed was planted in my head was because of a track day I volunteered at previously. If you want to read about that you can check out my “Tuna. Racing. Coffee” post.
I decided then and there that I wanted to do this, someday. But was told over and over that autocross was a great place to start. I did a little research, which wasn’t even needed really, as the car that kept coming up and the one I kept seeing was everywhere. Miatas.
So I started my search. This was the first time I had looked for a vehicle really. My 2013 MINI, LuLu, was something I knew I wanted and was easy to find. My Classic MINI, Louisa, was something that fell into my lap. I had to work for this one.
I found one in Lancaster, MA. A 2008 MX-5. I went and test drove it in the rain. I discovered that these rear wheel drive cars were not made for rainy days. I like the car, a lot. But the seat was so low, and being a shorty, I couldn’t reach the pedals comfortably. In addition, after being so used to driving my classic’s standard, I suck at modern ones.
I really liked the car though. But there were other issues preventing me from buying it, which included the price. I decided to wait and do a little more digging. I found this beauty at a dealership in Kansas. Country Hill Motors. My mom and I dealt with Julio the whole time and he couldn’t have been any nicer.
I decided this was the right car for me and we made magic happen. What felt like forever was only two weeks, and he was delivered to my doorstep. I was so excited!
Since then, I have thought a lot of the car and the reason that I purchased it. Was it really for autocross? Were my intentions as simple as that? I’m beginning to think not..
Over the past few months, a lot has gone wrong. A lot has changed, and I’ve been trying to find a way to deal with it. For starters, I’m not sure what I want to do anymore. Do I really want to pursue my Masters? I’m not 100% sure of my job. Part of the reason I took it was BECAUSE of my Masters. So do I really want to stay? My home life. My family. The only thing that was solid and stable in my life, has recently gone to shit.
I have no solace. No place that I can feel comfortable. The tense atmosphere at home and at work is getting to me. My uncertainness is weighing on me. I feel so unattached from myself, from what I want to do, from what I should do.
Recently, my only solace has been driving. Driving away. Driving to someplace. Driving to nowhere. Last night was my most recent drive. So much had gone wrong this past week and I wanted to leave, and I was going to. It would be so easy for me to pick up and leave. But would it?
It’s Tuesday now. I went home last night, finally. Being someplace that does not make you comfortable is hard. When a home just becomes a house, it gets tough. When your place of solace and sense of security is ripped from you, you feel lost. Hopeless. At that time, you begin to questions every other decision that you’re making. If something that was built for 25+ years can so easily break, than what of your decisions that you make now? Will those so easily break in the future? Will you arrive at where you want?
I needed to clear my head. Sunday morning I had a car show that went less than ideally. I went home and no one was there. I cleaned up and left the house. There was a party I had to attend to. After that, I took off. I drove to the coast. I thought about everything. What was I doing?
I passed a sign I had seen before but never really thought much of it. It said, “Where are you heading?” Good question. That got me thinking more. Where was I heading. What is going to happen? These next few months are so out of focus and blurry. I need a plan. I can’t move forward productively without knowing what is happening, without knowing what will happen. It was all overwhelming.
After work on Monday I still didn’t want to go home. I drove. I drove around aimlessly, not knowing what I was looking for. I felt hopeless. I had hit rock bottom. The only place I felt at ease was in my car, driving. That may sound silly, but it’s true. I ended up getting lost. My phone was on airplane mode and I didn’t want to be bothered, and i didn’t bother to check my google maps to see where I was. I didn’t care. I wanted to disappear so I wasn’t anyone’s problem anymore.
I ended up taking a call, that I can say pulled me out. I ended up at my friend’s place. All that aimless driving had me heading somewhere it would seem. After a long talk I expressed my frustrations and felt a little better. I went home.
I woke up today feeling better. Feeling a bit refreshed. There is still so much that is wrong and that is bothering me. But I guess it’s time for me to get back on my feet. Set my head straight and focus my energy on good things. I still don’t see my potential sometimes, and my future is still a bit out of focus. I’m hoping with more positivity it will come into view.