Testing My Limits…

Whats up everyone?? This post of mine is going to get a little more personal. But there are a lot of things that I feel that I need to write down and discuss with myself in order to sort out my thoughts.

A lot has occurred over the past few weeks that have me arguing with myself. Arguing with myself over what step I should take next. Arguing with myself if I should have just said no. Arguing with myself if I should have said yes. Arguing with myself if I should have said anything at all. Arguing with myself about the choice I made to have cake for breakfast was a good idea. (I did’t actually do that, but you get the point.) There have been a few points in my young life that I felt the universe testing me, and right now is another one of those times.

Looking back at the other times that I felt this way, my ‘problems’ that I was experiencing seem so trivial. And the thing I always end up thinking back to is that someone else always has it worse off than I do, and someone will always be better off. So what am I complaining about? I complain because that’s what we do. We’re human, we have feelings. We want answers. Answers to questions that we can’t have, and maybe never will. Are the choices that I make right now the best ones for me long term? Are they the best for me at all? Or are they just what I want right now and five minutes later that will change?

I have never been one to worry about things long term. Sure, I have goals and dreams and aspirations, but I have always been one to live in the moment. Today is now, make it count. It is what it is until its not that way anymore, right? Wrong. Maybe? I just don’t know. I wonder now, just a month away from getting my undergrad, if I went to school for the right thing. I did not get to explore a lot of what I loved for a while, like car shows, and being a leader, and having people look up to me for events, because I was trapped with someone who could not have given a shit less what I wanted or what I liked. That was one of the major tests in my life. I have learned a lot about myself over the past four years though. I have learned how strong I can be. I have learned that people suck. I have learned that I know what I want and what I don’t want. What I will put up with and what I will not. One thing I have not learned though is to have confidence in my decisions. Confidence in myself.

Confidence is a funny concept. I walk around trying to act cool. Trying to be unfazed and just go about my day. When in reality, my head a whirlwind of thoughts and scenarios that have happened, that may happen, that may not happen? What can I do to get what I want? How could I have made that situation better? I overthink to the point of exhausting myself and I still end up back at stage 1. An over thinker. Perhaps that will be my demise.

I confess that behind my calm, collected, and confident exterior is someone terrified of making the wrong decision. Is terrified of losing people close to me. Is terrified of the general unknown that life is. Is someone independent but terrified of being left alone. My only solace is the fact that I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and tests of life are there for a purpose. They are there to make you stronger. They are there to make you wiser. We are all here for a reason. We are here to fight our own fight and deal with our own demons. Nothing worth the fight is worth your time. It is not worth my time. Things that don’t make sense now, can end up being things that make sense in the long run. I’m taking one thing at a time while trying to keep my sanity. But nothing safe is ever worth the drive…

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